Memorial for the Street

Every so often I come off the rails. Not so anyone would notice. I hide well. Move in the shadows. Every so often something happens to upright me. At least until my next derailment down the line.

What coming off the rails looks like for me is preoccupation. And the preoccupation is about a niggling desire for making a mark in this world, or at least a slight concavity. Of course once you start down this road there is no end.

It has to do with desire. I know well enough that I have received my life through the eyes of others. That my desires have been formed by the desires of others. This of course is all of our lot. We desire what we see desired and these desires have been engrafted within before we knew better. Of course many of these desires are healthy but many are obsessive and destructive. Whatever original sin might mean, this is at least one description of it.

HM Memorial service Jan06What brought me out of self-preoccupation this time was a memorial service I went to for the men and women of our city who have died "on the street" this past year.

The whole thing, the worship band, made up of guys who are in our addictions program, the collective eulogy, the pictures and names of the deceased, fading on and off the screen, and of course the faces in the audience, faces of grief and consoling faces, all of this brought deserved attention and a proper form of remembrance to lives lost.

It’s too obvious and inadequate to say those who died were all people with stories, with mothers, with childhood friends…or perhaps with not many friends. For most, their stories were too well hidden, are too easily forgotten.

What was it that they longed for? What were their joys? What were their sighs all about? What did they leave? What impression? What dreams did they leave untried? What was left undreamed?

These questions can scarcely be answered. But at least what happened here at this memorial service helped to restore dignity to friends and family by restoring dignity to the men and women who have gone on ahead. And at least it gave me pause.

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Stony Plain Paths

Before moving to the city I walked the early morning paths of Stony Plain, Alberta:sp04b

…every morning I awake to darkness, slip on some warm clothes go into the kitchen and eat a grapefruit. I take some vitamins and swallow some water and go into the living room and throw a couch pillow on the floor and lay on my back and lift my legs in the air keeping them straight stretching my lower back. I get up put on my boots and jacket, retrieve my my walking stick from behind the door and go out into the cold air pulling the door closed behind me with extra effort because if I don’t it doesn’t catch closed.

I’ve been in my body pretty well since waking up but I sink farther into my body when I walk. I match every step with a swing of my walking stick bringing it down firmly. On the hard pack snow the metal tip I drilled into the end penetrates the surface giving my upper body complete stability even on the icy sections.

Two blocks from my front door I enter a field through a wide gate and begin to breath. I switch my walking stick to my left hand; it takes a dozen steps before my mitt finds its way through the black nylon wrist strap. I find my pace on the bulldozed trail that leads in a wide half mile arch to the back of the field. If there is a wind it always finds me on this stretch before I reach the cliffs of snow, dumped and pushed up by the town’s public works department.

I climb over a ridge made from the edge of a plow on the field’s south side and walk in the snow. The wind has constructed a series of snow drifts and I alternate between falling through to my knees and walking on top the snow crust that’s firm enough to bear my weight. When I reach the sheltered trail I’m warm from the effort. A snowmobile has helped make the trail through the bush and it’s easy walking although my stick with its brass ring I pinched around the base to keep the end from splitting catches the long tangle of grass under the snow as I pull up.

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I now come to the paved trail and skirt it for just a few yards then head back on a snow trail across the creek through a hole in the page wire fence and find myself on a well trodden trail made by school children. At the far end is High Park school and I set out for a point between the end of a line of houses on my right and the school. My ankles turn and I’m off balance as I walk on the snow ridges made from hundreds of small boots.

When I get to the point I take a sharp right doubling back on the paved path that runs along the back yards of the line of houses. It’s good to be on firmer footing. I pass Morris and Sharon’s house and I bless it as I pass. Today I see Morris through the window sitting in his chair with a fire on. He’s a blur. I seldom walk with my glasses. After I bless their house I begin to bless others. I bless Sue and Gary and all of High Park then all of Stony Plain. Stony Plain is blessed before it awakens.

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When the westward path moves beyond the houses I cut across a depression and hook up to the path running south. The snow is deep here. It’s had a chance to gather.

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Worship and Bonding

During the worship services at the Evangelical church I once attended I had the occasional experience of being caught up in a kind of exaltation and finding myself strangely bonded to people I would normally consider mere acquaintances, some of whom I considered unappealing acquaintances (to my shame). I recall thinking during these times that God was working in my heart. And in some sense I’m not wanting to rule this out.

Perhaps part of this "bonding" was because the worship services were "seeker sensitive," which means songs were sung, things were done, as far as possible, with warm and disarming enthusiasm. Of course there is nothing ostensibly wrong with warm disarming enthusiasm.

By the same Sunday afternoon however, I had lost all of that collegiality. I reasoned that this was how it was, how I was, and that these worship services were where I needed to go to continue to recharge and occasionally experience what I should be feeling all the time. On some level there is truth in that.

But of course the essence of worship is not about being filled with joy and suddenly seeing fellow worshipers in the new light of a special bond.

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Why? Let me try this: Because years ago I was at a hockey game. It was the hockey game when Wayne Gretzky scored his 50th goal in 39 games. I was similarly caught up, perhaps more so. I found myself intensely bonded to complete strangers all around me, in league with every Oiler fan in the coliseum. And then it was over, the moment passed, and the feeling of unity never made it past the traffic home.

How much contemporary Christian worship bears a family resemblance to a sporting event, a sales seminar, a political convention, a rally? These events are all designed to ignite some kind of unified passion. They are designed to produce a unifying spirit toward a given end. And this, by dent of being over against some other group, team, country, or concept.

True Christian worship is exactly the opposite. There is nothing to achieve, nothing to produce or reproduce, and absolutely nothing to be over and against. The forgiving victim who is just there has already achieved everything by virtue of being a willing victim; and absorbing our need to secure ourselves by being over against a victim.

(This will need a follow-up. What got me thinking along these lines was the convergence of receiving James Alison’s new book "Undergoing God" and the upcoming Break Forth Canada convention here in Edmonton)

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