Longing and Belonging

Child longing Pattaya (Pattaya, Thailand)

John O’Donohue thought about "belonging." It was his preoccupation, particularly before his premature death, where he found I imagine, that ultimate belonging.

I think about O’Donohue when I sense the return of a familiar unease. The unease, or dis-ease, is a kind of slight tremor that begins someplace in my soul’s viscera, signaling the arrival of a je ne sais quoi restlessness.

The tremor is always unexpected. Even though I’ve felt it a thousand times. That’s because its timing is all wrong. I’d expect to feel it when life is in the crapper. But no, it comes when life is in order.

When things, particularly relationships, are all in tune, with nothing major to resolve–there is it, startling me at the contented end of my emotional pool; the ripples, disturbing my tranquility and throwing my sense of place out of kilter.

After a while it goes away, but not without leaving the perennial reminder that ultimately, no matter how settled, how at home I feel, I’m never really at home.

Some part of it is about mortality. Angels wouldn’t have this longing-feeling. Although I wonder if they would like to feel what it feels like. But how could they long for anything if they are somehow completed beings? And anyway, who knows about angels.

All I know is that I’m not a completed being. I long, long and hard for something that I can’t describe, and which, apparently, I can never get this side of where angels tread.

Buddhist monk blessing 

And what is this tremor, this longing? John O’Donohue says its the longing to belong. He says that it’s an eternal longing that lets you know that there is something within you, that no one here, or no thing, will be able to satisfy. That sounds like bad news. My nihilist side could easily pick that up and run with it. Yes, perhaps it’s a trick of evolution meant to keep us perpetuating ourselves–meant to encourage and develop our "will to power."

That would be Nietzsche’s take. To him, the maitre d’ of desire, that restlessness was a call to grab our true humanity by the throat; to dead-eye the abyss without flinching and fearlessly move on into our inheritance–"Übermensch-dom." To we children of Nietzsche–and all of us are in some small way, "children of Nietzsche,"–this eternal longing points away from religion and superstition, to self-mastery. It’s the offer to finally become captains of our fate, environment, and destiny.

Well, that’s one way to handle that dis-ease for which we "can’t get no satisfaction." The other, perhaps more difficult opening, is to find that this longing, when hugged close, turns out to be a beautiful rumour about a crazy promise. …But this is no short cut. You can’t go through life allowing yourself to be fed the answers. (Just wait, I take that back, you can. Nietzche called that joining "the herd.")

Okay, so you can join the flock in order to avoid the knuckle biting ride the longing takes you on. It turns out that "staring into the abyss" and "hugging close" are not two different things. Both are scary and painful. At least this side of where angels stroll.

Wall climber Pattay

Reasons the Conservatives oppose InSite

A comment from the last post requires, or inspires me, to a fuller response. Actually, forgive me, it turned out rather long. Feel free to skim.

Sam said:

I have read Connie Howard’s article, and while it’s well-written and presents a convincing case (to me at least) for keeping InSite operating, I was hoping also to read a presentation of the reasons why the federal government might want to close the site, and an argument about those reasons. That part of the broader argument seems to me to be missing. From my limited exposure to this work, I understand that harm reduction is still a controversial approach to the problems around drug use and abuse and that there are valid reasons for opposing this approach.

Thanks Sam. The reason, I suspect, you didn’t get a presentation of the reasons why the federal government is opposed to InSite, is because they have never clearly stated them. All they have said, repeatedly, is that safe injection sites add harm and offer no hope. But, as Connie Howard pointed out, even their own study refutes that stance. According to Simon Fraser University criminologist Neil Boyd, who was hired by the Conservatives to advise the committee overseeing their study, the research shows that "InSite has no apparent negative impacts, has resulted in "modest decreases" in drug use, and has not disturbed public order." In fact, Boyd said, "InSite should not only be continued, but the program should be expanded to other locations." Adding, "I think our data suggests… the building of additional facilities of a similar kind in neighborhoods where they are needed would yield benefits much in excess of the costs required for such projects."

So what, in light of this, are the reasons for the Harper government’s ongoing resistance? I’m guessing it has everything to do with the government looking soft on drug use. And that’s not an image Conservatives are comfortable with. At InSite, drug abusers cannot be arrested and prosecuted. That, I’m sure, rankles. And the Tories certainly don’t want to offend groups like REAL Women, and the Canada Family Action Coalition, who were quick to thank the Health Minister for resisting pressures to support programs that aid people in using illegal drugs. The Conservatives are loathe to carve out exemptions because it looks like caving in.

And so, on the defensive, Tony Clement puts on his priestly raiment and tells us that the government’s approach is the one that’s more caring and compassionate. He says he is not about to give up on the addicts, like the folks at InSite. And he scorns the perceived "enabling" of harm reduction.
Tony Clement is not an unprincipled or, I’m sure, an uncaring person. I understand his reasoning. I once held to it. But after 20 odd years of being around the problem, I now see that it’s reasoning that has a higher regard for a personal conviction than for grappling with the complexities and devastation of chronic drug addiction, and the reality of life on the street.

intake_room InSite does not give up on abstinence. But it does consider carefully the nature of addiction, and as a result offers a dignified and caring approach–that of harm reduction. Harm reduction is not a form of co-dependence, and is not the same thing as enabling. And there is no evidence that harm reduction encourages drug use. What it does do, is treat chronically afflicted addicts in a way that allows them to lead more bearable lives, and, in the process, find an oasis of calm, where choices may, perhaps, open up for then. For many addicts in Vancouver’s lower Eastside, InSite has been the first place they have encountered compassion, and is the first link they have had with the medical system.

Without doubt, many lives have been saved through the presence of InSite. The reactionary charge, without evidence, has been made that InSite’s existence has lead to more lost lives than saved lives. But that’s like blaming medical clinics for the existence of disease. If it could be shown that InSite adds to the number of addicts then it has stepped out of the realm of harm reduction. If InSite’s existence caused more crime, more drug use, more drug trafficking, more HIV/AIDS, even more general social disorder, it would not be in line with harm reduction.

And as far as chronic addicts being enabled by being given clean needles, a sanitary place, with watchful and caring supervision, while they engage in something they would have otherwise done in an alley…well, I don’t think so. But let me add, not all drug abusers are equal, and I do concede that for some, a safe injection site may, or may not, perpetuate an early habit.

It is true that for some, the immediate negative consequences of drug abuse is enough to convince them to enter a program. For these people, no safe injection site is needed. But hardcore drug addicts have experienced every possible negative consequence, save death. As it happens, it’s these hardcore addicts that InSite attracts. And that should be a salient point for consideration. Every parent knows that equal treatment, is not necessarily fair or just treatment. InSite is simply calling for a recognition of that common understanding. And with political will and desire, an exemption to the drug law can be upheld. To refuse to see this, as far as I see, is a refusal not on humane reasons, but for reasons, political and ideological.

Finally, with respect to enabling, here is something of a parallel consideration: As Gabor Mate’ points out, we don’t refuse life-saving treatment for chronic smokers with lung cancer; or inveterate over-eaters for cardiac arrests; or workaholics for stress related strokes; or abused women for staying with their abuser. Does treatment enable these addictions? Should we refuse medical care here so that they might feel a greater negative effect of their choices?

So here’s a plea to Conservatives: Do no harm. A safe injection site can provide a little haven where patient and compassionate human contact, opens an avenue for self-respect and possibility. At InSite, harm reduction makes the lives of chronic drug addicts bearable, with the potential of ushering in rehabilitation for some. Overall, harm reduction broadens the scope of hope.

(In writing this, I’ve had much inspiration from Gabor Mate’s book, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts. Mate’ has worked as a physician in Vancouver’s Downtown Eastside for over 12 years.)

Letter to Stephen Harper in support of InSite.

No InSite, No Insight

insitesign I’m recommending that you take a moment to read Connie Howard’s article, Well, Well, Well, No InSite, No Insight, about Vancouver’s, safe injection site. Why? Because Stephen Harper seems bent on shutting it down.

I suspect the safe injection site doesn’t sit well with him. It probably has to do with a personal philosophy, or principle…which is fine, we all have them–philosophies/principles. Except here, his principles will do damage to people who need help.

I guess he agrees with his health minister Tony Clement, who calls safe injection sites, "abominations." It’s telling language. And it’s a shame. Because on every humane and practical score, as Connie H. reports, InSite makes sense.

Harper’s own advisory committee has examined the evidence and concluded that the site makes financial sense, saves lives, acts as a deterrent to drug use, has not increased crime, drug dealing or relapse rates and effectively increases the number of addicts seeking detox and treatment. Criminologists commissioned by the RCMP say it should be left open.

There should be no controversy about reducing harm and saving lives.

If you care about harm reduction and basic human dignity, please read the article and sign the letter to Stephen Harper, linked at the end of Connie Howard’s article.

Temple of the Emerald Buddha

The first thing I saw upon entering the Temple of the Emerald Buddha (Wat Phra Kaeo), was the seated hermit.

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He’s a comic figure–apparently not taking himself too seriously in a place that weighs heavy with formality, tradition, and gilt. But, I’m given to understand that he’s a good doctor, for which he is venerated. People bring him medicine, which he blesses, improving its therapeutic effect. He’s a happy hermit, and no doubt his good natured outlook goes far in conditioning all potions.

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Except for the flow of tourists, the air within the rest of the temple compound is sonorous. This is, after all, the most sacred structure in Thailand. But it’s also said to be the repository of the spirit of the Thai people enmasse.

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With this consideration, I walked slowly, trying to pick up the reverberations of that spirit. But it didn’t happen. For one thing, a camera is a distraction. One cannot, not, take pictures, but a camera keeps you at the surface. The other thing that cropped up was this incongruity: If the spirit of the Thai people lived here, it had to be underneath the near ostentatiousness, the almost garish-Disney quality of the temple. The Thai people I had met were warm, hospitable and gracious. The Temple, was overbearing. I decided I was missing something.

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I wandered. I took a hundred pictures: the brilliant tiles, the gilt-bronze emblems, the marble monuments, the countless mother of pearl inlays, the stone guards, the half-deer people, the demon-monkey guardians-hardly frightening, and the rest of the pagoda’s and stupa’s and dagobas’.

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At last I entered the ubosoth (chapel) of the Emerald Buddha. Here, as prescribed, I took off my sandals and refrained from taking pictures. (There is however a spot in the portico where you can zoom-in on the Emerald Buddha. He’s wearing his rainy season costume.)

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The Emerald Buddha is not emerald but jade. It was a mistaken fifteenth century monk that made the claim, but the name stuck. The Emerald Buddha is seated in a glass case, high above a gilded wooden throne. Beneath and around him is a pyramid-like arrangement of images, golden Buddha icons, crowned gilded Buddha figures and more. On the wall behind the throne, I learned, is a mural of the Traiphum–the three worlds of Desire, Form and Non-Form.

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(As an act of preparation before entering the ubosoth, people buy tulips, dip them in water and sprinkle themselves.)

The smooth marble floor in front of the Emerald Buddha shrine was crowded with curio-seekers, wonderers and worshippers. Everyone was seated, and presenting, I suppose, many variations of the Lotus position.

P1060824 [520x390] (A bhikkhu, or fully ordained Buddhist monk, honouring the story of Buddha’s enlightenment, depicted by the mural.)

In spite of all the coming and going, there was silence within the ubosoth. All I heard was the hum of fans. And in spite of the opulent surroundings, there was, within, a basic dignity and reverence.

P1060812 [520x390](Found: Out of view, through a gate, behind the galleries, East of the Temple.)

It was possible, in that quiet, to catch something of the Thai spirit that is contained in the Buddhist understanding of samadhi, tranquility of heart.