Newt Gingrich–A rapture-ready presidency

What do you do when your marital record has been somewhat elastic, your concupiscence keeps getting called up, your chaste is besmirched, you don’t have a solid evangelical base, and you happen to be Newt Gingrich?  Well, you make it right—no wrong there. Then you go out and get a "rapture-ready seal of approval" from Tim LaHaye—Mr. Won’t-be "Left Behind.” (Who’s already left behind 16 books, 65 million copies, three movies, three video games and counting). Then, for the coup de grâce, you go get an endorsement from someone who has already been called up yonder, flown to Glory, already singing and shouting the victory, and so someone who knows Newt never did knock over no Piggly Wiggly in Yazoo, and will rise straight from the river waters to Paradise, and so quite naturally be the most qualified president.  That now-omniscient knower? The Reverend Jerry Falwell.

Like Tim said,

As my friend, the late pastor Dr. Jerry Falwell told me personally, ‘Speaker Newt Gingrich is the most qualified man in America to run as president of the United States.’

You see, this is why USA politics is so darn entertaining, and so hard not to watch, even though later you feel a bit bloated, like you’ve had too many Krispy Kreme donuts.